Survive the Economy with Shared Housing

Survive the Economy with Shared Housing

by Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.


Multi-generational households are making a comeback for Boomers in the
Sandwich Generation - especially with the lack of jobs available for new
college graduates and the financial pinch felt by aging parents as their
retirement incomes dwindle. Don't be disappointed if you were dreaming
about the empty nest. This new living arrangement can reduce stress, with
more family members sharing household responsibilities, financial
expenses and emotional support. That is, as long as guidelines are
clearly set in the beginning and upheld.

Families today are facing a new kind of housing crisis as the economy
continues to be problematic. When one spouse in a two-career marriage
loses a job, making the monthly mortgage payment becomes difficult,
especially for Sandwiched Boomers. Senior citizens who have been able to
pay for housing from their retirement accounts must cut back on that
expense when their retirement funds are down by 50 percent. When a
mortgage begun with an artificially low interest figure calls for a rate
increase or a balloon payment, the cost becomes prohibitive for the
nuclear family.

These scenarios are not about Gen X and Gen Y kidults boomeranging back
home, with connotations of immaturity or irresponsibility. Rather they
reflect adults struggling with the real effects of a global financial
meltdown not faced in over 75 years. An AARP study revealed that more
than ¼ of the foreclosures and delinquencies last year occurred among
those 50 and over. These seniors and their adult children are looking
carefully at what to do to ease the economic woes that have hit everyone
hard.

Some younger families are moving in with their parents, pooling their
funds for mortgage payments. In other cases, seniors are giving up their
individual, larger homes and moving into 'granny flats' or guest suites
on their children's property. Irrespective of the type of arrangement and
reason for combining two families into one home, some serious planning is
needed before taking the plunge. Here are 6 tips to put into play before
sharing daily life with extended family:

1. Have a family meeting to set guidelines before you move in together.
Be frank and honest about your needs. You'll each be giving up some
autonomy and control so you can expect to have situations where push
comes to shove. Present your positions for the best and worst case
scenarios. Then decide how you want to compromise so that everyone gets
some of what they want. Put any absolute deal breakers out on the table
so they can be discussed in detail.

2. Set boundaries so that everyone's privacy is respected. Living
together with roommates in a college dorm is one thing but sharing space
with adult family members can get awkward. Identify signals to use when
one of you wants to be alone. The last time you all lived together, the
circumstances were quite different. Old issues around power or dependency
can resurface in this close environment, particularly when there may be a
difference of opinion about how to handle issues with
children/grandchildren.

3. Work out a schedule for shared responsibilities, chores and finances.
Gain consensus about making the division of labor equitable. When
children/grandchildren are part of the mix, arrive at a clear timetable
with regard to babysitting so that no one feels exploited. The
multi-generational experience can foster a closer relationship between
grandparents and grandchildren, with the middle generation being able to
step away from some care-giving tasks.

4. Respect the needs of everyone involved. When each person feels heard,
it takes away some of the frustration stemming from the lack of control.
You can be supportive to one another just by listening even if you don't
agree with the reason for the complaint. Use the techniques of active
listening and sending I-messages.

5. Think about the problems that can arise and make a Plan B. Just
because you all are having some difficulty with the new living
arrangements doesn't mean you have to discard the entire idea. Continue
to schedule family meetings to discuss the issues and conflicts. Lack of
privacy, intruding on other family members' boundaries and unwanted
advice are often sore points.

6. Be flexible and learn to love compromise and cooperation. Look at the
situation from the perspective of other family members as you work on
understanding their positions. You are all in this together and while you
may not get exactly what you want, you can work out a solution that is
good for everyone.

Generations living together can lead to a win-win situation. Even with
the potential costs of remodeling to accommodate both families,
maintaining one household rather than two creates considerable savings.
And other positive outcomes develop. Support generated on both sides can
serve as the foundation for resolving past misunderstandings, making
forgiveness easier to accomplish. The close bonding allows for building
rich memories to savor over the years. And the expression of gratitude is
good for both giver and receiver. As the older generation continues to
age, these times can be the impetus for planning care by a newly
sandwiched generation, with grandchildren pitching in to help.

(c) 2009, Her Mentor Center

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Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of
www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website dedicated to the issues of mid-life women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are co-authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer women and their family relationships. As psychotherapists, they
have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.

Contact the Author
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.

Tips for the Sandwich Generation
Mentors@HerMentorCenter.com
More Details about shared family housing
here.